“If I’d spent my life listening to Dismal Doras like you, I wouldn’t be worth two-hundred-million dollars today.” – C.M. Burns
“But according to your most recent biography, you only have one-hundred-million dollars today.” – Lisa Simpson
“I’ve ha-, . . . I’ve . . . ” – C.M. Burns
“Um, actually, sir, it’s, uh, considerably less than that.” – Mr. Smithers

A nice, headline grabbing number, preferably with a dollar sign next to it, is a well known pageview booster.  So let this be my usual renewal related reminder that there is no creditable public information on what the current or past salaries of the Simpsons voice actors are/were.  Back before the 2011 renewal, the widely cited figure was $400,000 per episode.  After that it came down somewhat to $300,000 (though I saw it mentioned as low as $200,000).  Now, thanks to the feckless morons at CNN Money (a backwater in an already grossly negligent and irresponsible news outfit), the current deal is being touted at $7,000,000 per year, or $318,182 per episode:

‘Simpsons’ Mr. Burns walking away from $14 million deal

What is their source for that eye catching number?  You’ll be shocked (shocked, I tell you!) to learn it’s an anonymous source:

The actor was offered a guaranteed $14 million for two years of work, according to someone with direct knowledge of the matter.

Okay, sometimes people don’t want to go on record, and that’s okay.  That factual information reaches the public is supposed to be the important part, right?  Well, here’s the kicker:

“To me, the deal he rejected would be the dream of a lifetime for the rest of the world,” the source said.

That’s not information.  That’s spin.  Moreover, it almost certainly marks this source as someone at FOX since s/he’s painting Shearer as walking away from “the dream of a lifetime for the rest of the world”, that ungrateful bastard.

Shearer himself has said in the past that the reported salary numbers are inaccurate, and I’m far more inclined to believe him than some nameless insider who feeds bullshit like that to CNN Money.  Remember, Shearer and the rest of the cast are forbidden from discussing what they’re actually paid, so FOX and their anonymous flacks have a free hand to inflate the numbers and paint the cast as greedy jackasses, and CNN Money is only too happy to help them do it.

Shoddy information coming from CNN is nothing new, of course.  The real problem is that people repeat these numbers so many times that they seem credible even when transparent horseshit like the above link is the only basis for it.  It’s happening already:

And it’s not just Simpsons or entertainment related outlets that unquestioningly repeat this.  The Chicago Tribune already picked it up, and I even saw it on freaking Slashdot.

So, pretty please, with sugar on top, remember that you don’t know how much money the Simpsons voice actors make.  I don’t know how much the Simpsons voice actors make.  And the business/entertainment press for damn sure doesn’t know how much the Simpsons voice actors make.

“Is Mom gonna have another baby, Dad?” – Lisa Simpson
“Maybe.” – Homer Simpson

Apologies for the lack of Compare & Contrast, Reading Digest, and general radio silence around these parts the last couple of days.  My Dad went in for a long planned surgery yesterday (which went fine), but between that, work, and the Shearer kerfuffle, regular blogging fell down a hole without even the benefit of Leonard’s carcass to land on.

In terms of actual Simpsons news, there have been two developments of note.  The first is Shearer related, though it needs to be kept in context.  Good ol’ CNN Money reports:

For all “The Simpsons” fans concerned that a Mr. Burns voiced by Harry Shearer has spent his last days in Springfield, the voice actor has two words for you: “stay tuned.”

This was the response Shearer had Friday when asked by CNN Money if there was a possibility that he could return.

Shearer had no other comment, other than to reference a tweet from “Simpsons” producer James L. Brooks. On Thursday afternoon, Brooks wrote, “Hey, we tried. We’re still trying. Harry, no kidding, let’s talk.”

Does this mean anything?  Short answer, yes with an if: if Shearer or FOX found the uproar over his departure (I even heard a segment about it on BBC World Service) so disruptive that one of them caved on some previously stuck negotiating point, then maybe he’ll be back.

Long answer, no with a but: but this is third hand information glimpsed through the notoriously dirty lens of CNN.  It implies that they’re still talking, but that’s all it does.  It doesn’t change the fact that Shearer’s only public statement to date was that he seemed to be done.  Of course, even that is open to interpretation since all he really did was quote a letter from a lawyer and thank people for their support.  Jean was (publicly, at least) taking it seriously, but even that could be posturing.

So, what do we actually know?  As always in these situations: very little.  Shearer saying “stay tuned” certainly moves the needle a little bit back towards “he isn’t leaving”, but since it was never even close to definitively pointed at “he’s gone”, that doesn’t say much.  Until we get either a) a definitive statement that Shearer has signed and is returning, or b) an announcement of new voice actors for some or all of his characters, we can’t know for sure.  Whatever happens, the substantive conversations will take place well out of public view, so it’s best to treat all non-definitive news as suspect until proven otherwise.

The second piece of news, which was absent from every single renewal article I came across, is from an interview Jean gave with The Hollywood Reporter:

Do you think this opens the door for other cast? I know that they’ve signed for two more seasons but given the show’s track record do you think that there’s concern?

It’s a really different issue. They are signed for a four-year contract [with] two-year options on Fox.

So at this point Fox has options for seasons 29 and 30?

Yes.

It turns out that there will be no negotiations due in October of 2016, because the most recent renewal wasn’t just for two more production runs, it was for two more production runs with a FOX option for two more after that.

In addition to being further evidence of the incompetence and incuriosity of the entertainment press (a network option for two more years isn’t a minor detail), this overlooked nugget means that, if FOX wants it, the show will be on until 2019 at the least.  Assuming twenty-two episode production runs for the option, that would bring the show to 669 episodes.  As a reminder of how long Zombie Simpsons has been on, “Behind the Laughter” (the Season 11 finale) was episode #248.

Whether or not Harry Shearer will be there for all that, I have no idea.

When a modernized Springfield Elementary has a technical meltdown, Lisa transforms it into a Waldorf school. Meanwhile, Groundskeeper Willie becomes the coach of the mathletes

Season Finale! For this year’s death rattle, Lisa has apparently been given the ability to force families to send their formally publicly educated children to a school that won’t grade anyone.  All this makes me think about is that Otto almost had tenure at Brown.  Also Willie is now a modern day Archimedes, so you know, whatever.  Frankly the only interesting thing that is related to this episode is that i don’t have to watch any previews for a few months.  Have a great summer.

“Oh, my God!  Lisa!  She’s been crushed, and so have the hopes of our mathletics team.” – Principal Skinner

Sorry (again) for the non-existant blogging around here, still been busy.  There probably isn’t going to be a Reading Digest today, but on the plus side, Season 26 is over, so I’ve got plenty of time to pretend that I’ll get caught up at some point.  On the Harry Shearer front, there has been nothing but silence from both sides so presumably they’re still talking.  Read into that whatever you’d like.

As for the finale, “Mathlete’s Feat” was bog standard: lots of filler, even more exposition, several magically appearing characters, and a couple of montages.  After a rich school beats Springfield Elementary’s mathlete team, the Nerds (from “Homer Goes to College”) buy the school a bunch of computers, that promptly get fried, which leads to a lot of flattering exposition about Waldorf schools, which leads to Bart becoming the captain of the math team (for some reason), which (just one scene later) leads to a rematch with the rich school, which leads to the usual unconnected ending.

– Hey, Rick and Morty, that’s better than this.  Thank goodness this “couch gag” took over 10% of the episode.

– “Good Seats Will Always Be Available” is pretty decent for an opening sign gag.

– But things go south fast with a literal drive by appearance from Nelson and twenty-seconds of Homer not laughing at a math joke.

– The Nerds are back for a hopefully brief cameo.  Oh, and the math competition has a full audience.  They didn’t even remember their own sign gag.

– Krusty just showed up to apparently host and yell the words “Drug Reference!” at the audience.

– Okay, Krusty’s gone.  Now we’re on “introductory videos” for each team.  Oh, and the rich kids video is directed by a yelling Michael Bay.  South Park did that way better a long time ago.  Just sayin’.

– Lisa’s monologing for some reason.

– Homer is explaining Lisa’s emotions.

– The Nerds are sticking around.  Apparently they went to Springfield Elementary.

– Sigh.  Skinner just appeared out of nowhere in Miss Hoover’s class, grabbed a film strip projector, and hurled it out the window (breaking it) and causing Willie to scream in pain.  Remember when Skinner was funny because he was a buttoned down square and not another zany nutbar?  The writing staff doesn’t.

– Montage!

– The “state of the art digital book burner” was a bit of a stretch, but they did set its temperature to 451F.

– And now the computers the Nerds bought have all been fried.  That took a while, and involved a lot of exposition and urgent horn music.

– Back from commercial and we are literally watching them do nothing.

– The teachers now have no electronics and the Nerds have vanished from the plot without so much as a goodbye, so we’re getting their new, non-technical classroom activities exposited to us.  Like Nelson reading his marshmallows.

– Lisa just left class and walked outside to see Willie, who didn’t so much as greet her before he went into a monologue of his own.

– Oh, for fuck’s sake, after getting several things explained to us, Lisa declared, “Move over, metric system, I’m learning the gastric system!”.

– And now Lisa just walked in on Skinner and Chalmers to exposit some more about learning math from Willie.  It’s bad, “Willie has showed me that losing our technology doesn’t have to be the end of our learning.  We could turn our school into a Waldorf school.”  This reminds of that scene in Spaceballs where Rick Moranis looks right at the camera and asks, “Everybody got that?”.  Only there it was intended to be funny.

– Lisa is now explaining a Waldorf school. . . . and now she’s teaching in the kitchen with no teachers around and, ugh, Lunchlady Doris.

– Now Lisa is back in class learning from Miss Hoover.  I guess they ran out of things for her to explain.

– Now Marge is reading from a pamphlet at the dinner table to further the explanations.

– There’s a song now, which Homer liked enough that he took over the explanations about the school in the next scene.

– Oof, this is a mess.  Willie was outside with some kids, and then Lisa and Skinner ran up out of nowhere to inform him that the plot needs to move along.

– After Lisa promoted Willie to coach of the school math team, he starts yelling and chasing Chalmers with a whip.  I take back my previous “Oof”, now it’s really a mess.

– Now Chalmers crashed his car after Bart hit him with an egg.  Now Bart is leading the math team.  Now, now, now.

– And we’re back at a math competition against the same school from the beginning.  Full audience again.  Sigh.

– Willie has a Gandalf hat and stick for some reason, so the squeaky voiced asks him about college so he can pretend to be a sorting hat from Harry Potter.  References!

– Lisa answers a math question correctly (which for some reason is taken as stunning, but whatever), then Bart complains that no one said there’d be math, then Lisa feels compelled to remind everyone that Bart is the math team captain.  That happened one scene ago, but since it doesn’t make any sense and we never saw Bart do any captaining before getting to the competition, I guess they felt the need to restate it.

– Luigi just stood up from the crowd to yell for a bit and then walk into a pole.  Huh.

– Montage!

– Though it is giving them a chance to flash a few equations on the screen.

– Then Bart somehow got the last question by drawing on Homer’s head.  Then Homer yells about what we just saw.

– Our post-plot comedy sketch this week is an after party where Lisa is somehow drunk on “Mountain Doo”.

– Nevermind, that was our first, post-plot comedy sketch.  The second one is introduced with a title card that reads, “The Simpsons Post Show Jug Band Fills The Time”.  I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: they know how crappy these are and do not care.

– The jug band filled twenty-five seconds of dialogue free time, though, so at the very least the title card wan’t lying.

The numbers are (long since) in, and they’re about what we’d expect.  Last Sunday, just 2.79 million people wished Rick, Morty, and the jug band thing could’ve taken more of the runtime.  That’s good for #4 on the all time least watched list, and pulls Season 26’s average viewership down to just 4.80 million.  Season 25 previously held the record for least watched Season at 4.99.  Come on down, Season 27!

As always with the ratings, the nuts and gum numbers are better than the overall ones, and since we now know that FOX has the option to keep the show on until 2019, I wouldn’t hold out any hope that they’ll drive the show off the air.  But it is fun to point and laugh.

“Hello, my name is Mr. Snrub, and I come from . . . someplace far away.  Yes, that will do.  Anyway, I say we invest that money back in the nuclear plant.” – C.M. Burns
“I like the way Snrub thinks.” – Mr. Smithers

Happy birthday, Danny Elfman!

“Sir, the actors are here to audition for the part of you.” – Mr. Smithers
“Excellent.” – C.M. Burns

It’s a short Reading Digest this week because I’m still behind the eight-ball, and the Dead Homer Society inbox still has rainbow wigs and floppy shoes everywhere, but some Reading Digest is better than no Reading Digest (right?).  Since the announcement of the (possible, still very unconfirmed) departure of Harry Shearer, plenty of people have been throwing their voices into the ring.  This week, we’ve got three of them (kinda).  We’ve also got some excellent usage, another Simpsons recasting, globetrotting Nancy Cartwright, (Britain, hurt feelings of), and a free silent movie starring Weird Al.

Enjoy.

I Hate the Sea and Everything In It: JAWS – Our friends at FLIM Springfield have done another of their .gif-tastic recastings, and this one is maybe their best yet.  Here’s some chum to get you swimming their way:

Prof. Frink as Hooper (Richard Dreyfuss)
Elementary chaos theory tells us that all Great White Sharks will eventually turn against humans and run amok in an orgy of blood!

Here’s What The Opening of “The Simpsons” Looks Like Recreated With Stock Footage – This was making the rounds last week.  It’s impressive, but pretty uneven.  Some of the shorts are really good and pretty close to the intro.  Others are a bit tenuous.

This dude could easily replace Harry Shearer on ‘The Simpsons’ – This guy is very good (though some of the voices are a lot better than others), but it’s not hard to tell the difference, either.

▶ 28 Simpsons Impressions! Comedy Brian’s tribute to the Simpsons. – This is more than just Shearer voices, and again there are some very good ones in here (Burns and Patty & Selma, particularly).  (Thanks for sending this in, Brian!)

Harry Shearer Replacements for Mr. Burns – Reader Gary Lee sent in this compilation of clips with celebrities doing Burns lines.  Way more Zombie Simpsons than I would’ve used, but some of them are very good.

Michiana man aims to break world record for largest Simpsons collection – That is a lot of Simpsons stuff.

What If The Simpsons Became Our Post-Apocalyptic Mythology? – A nice writeup of the play in Portland.

‘The Simpsons’ Nancy Cartwright Interview: Cannes Film Festival – Cartwright went to France to promote a small movie she did based on a one-woman show she did twenty years ago called “In Search of Fellini”.  She does talk a bit about doing French for “The Crepes of Wrath” and artfully dodges a question about Shearer leaving.

Nancy Cartwright Added To Supanova Perth & Sydney – And then she’s off to Australia.

The Moving Picture Co. 1914 – Remember that silent movie with Weird Al that Mark Kirkland made?  Well, now you can watch it.

Movie review: Even the cast is too familiar with the plot to be scared by ‘Poltergeist’ – Excellent reference:

The 1982 Tobe Hooper-Steven Spielberg film is an oft-telecast classic. But generations have been exposed to the plot and its loopiness, thanks to reruns of “The Simpsons.” Hard to get too worked up about a “Treehouse of Horror” tale.

Skyler: Parents, foster the success of dealing with failure – Another excellent reference:

Eighty percent of the baby boys continued to pull on the string, yanking harder and harder, some even getting a foot into the pulling action, until they were exhausted with anger and frustration.

Eighty percent of the baby girls tried the string once or twice, realized immediately it no longer worked, then began to cry.

I was reminded of the “Simpsons” episode in which Lisa devised an experiment called “Is my brother dumber than a hamster?” Every time Bart reached for a cupcake, his hand was shocked. Despite this pain, he reached for the cupcake over and over and over.

Someone got a Drake as Bart Simpson tattoo (Photo) – The headline says it all.  Well done, someone.

The myth of bad British teeth – The BBC takes exception to a stereotype:

Having bad teeth is one of the stock American jokes about British people. In the world of film, spoof super-spy Austin Powers cavorts around London as a would-be sex symbol, not realising that his discoloured, crooked grin is being mocked.
In one episode of the Simpsons, a dentist scares a young patient into better oral hygiene by exposing him to a horrific publication called The Big Book of British Smiles. It features mocked-up pictures of gappy, unaligned teeth belonging, among others, to Buckingham Palace guards, the Prince of Wales and Sherlock Holmes.
Chris van Tulleken, a British doctor and TV presenter, has joined the criticism by telling Radio Times magazine that British dental standards are globally infamous and having “brown, foul teeth doesn’t really bother us”.
But are British mouths really in such a state and is there such a lack of vanity?

Oinkster Burger Week 2015 is here! Get ready for seven days of burgers – Heh:

Also, for the first time, the folks at Oinkster have collaborated with their neighbors at Highland Park Brewing to create a Burger Week beer. Red Tick ale is a sessionable red ale, the name for which is an obscure “Simpsons” reference (one episode from the eighth season).

Here’s what it sounds like when Generation X runs for president – The Washington Post – Weak reference:

Declaring Tupac Shakur superior to The Notorious B.I.G. Listing off favorite Clinton-era episodes of The Simpsons. A romantic epiphany that involved a foam party and a pay phone.
It could all be late-night chatter in a mid-1990s dorm room – or the recent musings of Republican men vying to be the leader of the free world.
Generation X has hit the campaign trail.

[Rant]There is no such thing as “Generation X”.  There is no such thing as “The Greatest Generation” or “The Silent Generation” or “Millennials” or “Generation Y” or (and I have seen this) “Generation Z”.  There was a “Baby Boom“, it was the result of a unique set of historical circumstances, the big one being that it was a lot harder to have and raise kids from 1929-1945 than it was after that.  Once those circumstances faded, population growth went back to normal.  The only demographic bulge is the post-WWII one, everything else is just lazy shorthand for trend piece writers that means nothing.[/rant]

“Oh, sir, what will you do next?” – Mr. Smithers
“Well, first I’ll get that new hip I’ve been hankering for, then, who knows?  Beekeeping, boxing, bocce ball, the world is my oyster, Smithers!  Farewell.” – C.M. Burns

I’m finally digging out all the Shearer related stuff I didn’t have time to get to over the last couple of weeks, and I have found a couple of gems.  There’s a Hollywood insider take, a journalist take, and a fan take, all on what his (potential) leaving means for the show.  In addition to that, we’ve got some excellent references, great fan art, a bunch of .gifs, and a wildly dickish local news team.

Enjoy.

Harry Shearer’s excellent Simpsons adventure – Smooth Charlie’s Link of the Week is this Hollywood insider perspective on Shearer’s situation from a longtime TV writer who actually knows him:

“What is he thinking?” asked dozens of text messages from people who know that we’re friends. “Is he insane?”
He is not insane, I told them. Harry Shearer is a fantastically gifted writer-performer-director, and after 26 years of voicing the characters of Mr Burns, his devoted assistant Smithers, school principal Skinner, irritating neighbour Ned Flanders, and many others, Harry simply decided to do something else.
“He’s ill, isn’t he?” asked one person. No, I said. He isn’t ill, either mentally or physically. He just can’t see how he’ll be able to devote the time his future projects require if he’s also committed to several more years of The Simpsons.

He goes on to make the case that the money is the least important part of this.  I still don’t know whether or not Shearer’s actually leaving, but this is very good perspective.

Why a Shearer-less ‘Simpsons’ can survive – I like this article.  The basic premise is that the show sucks anyway so who cares if they replace Shearer?

Variety bash team Simpsons Car 1111 hosts a charity golf day – That is phenomenal Simpsons swag from Australia.

Q & A With Bill Oakley on Portland Playhouse’s “Mr. Burns: A Post-Electric Play” – Heh:

Have you seen the play? If no, why not? If yes, thoughts?

BO: I have not seen the play because I do not like to leave my house. If they want to come over here and perform it, I can push back a couch in the living room and maybe provide Cheetos and Snapple.

And:

There have been so many celebrity cameos on The Simpsons. Who has not been on the show yet that you would like to see make an appearance.

BO: We could never get Stockard Channing to appear on the show for some reason and I’m pretty sure she is still alive. So STOCKARD CHANNING it is.

The Simpsons – Absolutely outstanding Simpsons tablecloth which can be yours on Etsy for $200.  Click through for lots of detailed pictures and real Simpsons love:

The tablecloth was found in a thrift store, like all of my accoutrements. The lace edge and sunshine yellow called my name, screamed my name, and I was truly giddy taking it home. I first envisioned stitching Yellow Submarine on this gem. When The Simpsons also came to mind, I went with the franchise I felt was less likely to sue me.

Heh.

Breaking Bad, Simpsons, True Detective Fictional Foods – The Duff can and Krusty burger are phenomenal.

The War Of The Simpsons – Fantastic line:

“…That music always sends a chill down my spine…”

TV Legends Revealed: What’s the Secret, Lazy Origin of ‘The Simpsons’ Opening? – Time has always been hard to fill, no doubts there.

Sepp Blatter…In 10 Words – He’s crossed that line from everyday villainy into cartoonish super-villainy.

FOX 46 Charlotte – Bart Simpson graffiti sticks again, City of CLT says it needs to – See, this is why nobody likes local news:

The City was unaware of the NoDa graffiti until FOX 46 News notified them. There has been no word yet from the owner of the apartments if the graffiti will stay.

The media called the cops.  Boy, you guys suck.  There are, of course, good pictures at the link, if you’re interested.

Model Antonina Petkovic’s Simpsons T-Shirt – Apparently, Bart can be “grungy-chic”.

19-year veteran AP English teacher fired for reading Allen Ginsberg poem to class – Excellent reference:

Oilo’s colleagues, friends, and students were quick to defend him. Said one former student “There has been a definite tonal change since I grew up here. It makes me think of Mrs. Flanders from The Simpsons: ‘Will no one think of the children??’ I mean, if there are parents in town who think their teenagers don’t know what a blow job is, they are sorely mistaken.”

We got to Check Out The Simpsons Springfield Grand Opening at Universal Studios, Hollywood! – There was a ceremony at an amusement park.  Here’s a 1 minute YouTube video of it.

The Simpsons, Doctor Who, More Coming to Lego Dimensions – It took awhile, but Lego turned into the King of Licensing so gradually, I didn’t even notice:

Warner Bros. Interactive Entertainment today confirmed that its Lego Dimensions title, slated for release this fall, will include gameplay from The Simpsons, Doctor Who, Ghostbusters, Jurassic World, Scooby-Doo!, Portal, Midway Arcade, and Lego Chima.

4 Reasons Why ‘Simpsons’ Dimwit Ralph Wiggum Might Be Secretly Smart – He’s not, but that was a decent read with plenty of good YouTube and no Zombie Simpsons.

Eye On Springfield with Dan Jackson of Void Ritual & Desu – This blog is called “Xtapolapometal”, “A blog about metal and The Simpsons”.  Excellent.  (Also, the interview is good, too.)

Eye On Springfield with Chris Alfieri of Vattnet Viskar – Same blog as above:

It depends on my mood really, I do like when they take on cultural issues without trying to outwardly make a fool out of people who may not share their view. They have a lot of tact which I respect a ton. But occasionally I just need to see a brainless but well written episode like the Trilogy of Error episode.

That is a great way to describe “Trilogy of Error”.

Disney princesses and Marge Simpson turned into breast cancer survivors to celebrate ‘courage’ – This is by that same Italian artists who’s been doing these lately.

Simpsons joke origins: Sideshow Bob’s campaign ad – And to think, that commercial was only aired a single time.

Someone has made the actual gummy Venus De Milo from The Simpsons and it’s incredible – This is at least the second time someone’s done this, and maybe the third.  Bravo, everyone.

Hall and Oates – An essay about Homer (well, non-Zombie Homer, anyway) as a classic Fool.

Homer’s Heaven – Lego Homer, real donut.

Five Fandom Friday: Five Characters That Get Me – Lisa tops the list, but it’s nice to see Wednesday Addams on there too.

5 Fandom Friday: 5 Fictional Characters You Most Identify With – Homer makes this one.

Photo of the day: Christen Press and Christen Press – One of our forwards got life size Simpsonsized.

The Simpsons: Hit & Run – Old video game review complete with .gifs.

New trending GIF tagged the simpsons simpsons homer… – Clean as a whistle!

New trending GIF tagged the simpsons simpsons smoking… – He’s got money to singe!

New trending GIF tagged the simpsons bye goodbye… – Poochie goes home.

Etsy: Patty and Selma Cross Stitch – It’s not just Patty & Selama, it’s Patty & Selma freshly back from the beauty parlor.

Tristin Hopper: Like the Vatican, the Church of the Simpsons will go on – And finally, I get to end with someone who not only agrees with us, but does so in rousing, theological ways:

For someone who grew up on the Simpsons but stopped watching in the 1990s, seeing a contemporary episode is akin to Jesus Christ walking into the Vatican. The basic tenets may be familiar, but the presentation is shockingly dissimilar from its origins.

Throw out the heretics!

“Bart, I’m flabbergasted!  Surely you knew as you were writing your own name in forty-foot high letters on the field that you would be caught.” – Principal Skinner
“Maybe it was one of the other Barts, sir.” – Bart Simpson
“There are no other Barts!” – Principal Skinner

Sam Simon would’ve been sixty-years-old today. Happy birthday.

“I, uh, don’t think this contest is over yet, Buzz, if that is your real name.  I believe there is still a little something called the swimsuit competition.” – Homer Simpson
“There’s no swimsuit competition, Homer.” – NASA Guy
“You mean I shaved my bikini zone for nothing?” – Homer Simpson

“Forget the hair, just give me the blush!  Oh, we’re on.” – Kent Brockman

Fucking CNN.  This one is bad even by their impressive standards of idiocy and misinformation.  Thanks to their sloppiness, the internet went briefly nuts this week over the supposed “revelation” that Homer and Marge were going to permanently separate in the upcoming season.  Here’s what happened.

On Sunday, Variety published a bog standard publicity interview with Jean about the upcoming season.  The penetrating and hard hitting questions included, “How does it feel to reach season 27?” and “How do you still manage to keep it fresh and timely?”.  Articles like this are the reason Variety exists, so the entertainment industry can let the public know about its new stuff.  (Know how you can tell it’s straight PR?  The word “Shearer” does not appear.)  The headline was “‘Simpsons’ EP Al Jean on Homer’s 2016 Vote, Another Movie & the Star He Still Wants”.

Here is the relevant section:

What’s ahead this season?

In the premiere, it’s discovered after all these years Homer has narcolepsy and it’s an incredible strain on the marriage. Homer and Marge legally separate, and Homer falls in love with his pharmacist, who’s voiced by Lena Dunham. We’ll have cameos from the other women from “Girls.” We have an episode coming up where Lisa befriends a homeless woman who turns out to be an incredible singer. The woman’s voiced by Kate McKinnon, but the singing is done by Natalie Maines. In another episode, Spider Pig makes his return. Sideshow Bob appears in a segment, and we finally see him do something he’s wanted to do for 25 years. And we have an episode based on the film “Boyhood.” It’s a flashback/flashforward about Bart. We go to various points in his life and his life to come which I think came out really well.

Jean rattles off a few episode plots, one of which is about Homer and Marge legally separating.  This wasn’t considered big news, and most of the follow on articles I saw were about Sideshow Bob finally killing Bart in the Halloween episode.  For three days, that was the biggest piece of information anyone cared about in this article.

Then, on Wednesday morning, CNN got around to writing it up:

According to an executive producer for “The Simpsons,” Homer and Marge will legally separate in the upcoming season.

The animated series is heading into its 27th season, and the show plans on keeping fans intrigued. Executive producer Al Jean told Variety that one of the plot points for the new season is Springfield’s supercouple splitting and the appearance of a surprising other woman.

In terms of whether or not Homer and Marge are permanently separating, those four sentences are pretty vague.  Since four whole sentences in three whole paragraphs is way too erudite for the modern internet media company on the go, there’s also a “Story highlights” box for people who are really pressed for time:

The “Story highlights” read, “A producer says the longtime couple will split in new season” and “‘Girls’ star Lena Dunham will appear on the show”.  The first one greatly lessens the ambiguity by strongly implying that the “split” will last for a whole season.  The second one introduces a currently popular and reliably controversial celebrity.

That alone might have done it.  But what to do when even the misleading “Story highlights” take too long to read?  That’s what seriously misleading headlines are for!  Behold:

Combine “‘D’oh! Homer and Marge set to split on ‘The Simpsons'” as a headline with the “Story highlights”, add in the internet’s notoriously poor reading comprehension skills, and you get a completely untrue viral story echoing around the internet, radio, and teevee.  It got out of hand enough that the show’s official Twitter account felt the need to rebut it.

Now, sometimes I get it when mainstream publications completely misunderstand a long running franchise, like a couple of years ago when they did the hapless “Nedna” thing.  Anyone still bothering to watch knew it wouldn’t matter in the least if they stayed a couple, but news from Springfield equals pageviews, so everyone wrote it up anyway.  But to think that Homer and Marge are permanently divorcing on a show like Zombie Simpsons is a whole other matter, especially when one or two clicks is all it takes to get to the original that clearly states that it’s just for a single episode.

Partly this is due to the Lena Dunham Effect.  She causes all kinds of people to flip out and yell at each other for reasons that I cannot fathom.  (I’ve never understood square dancing either.  Some things in life are mysteries.)  If this had been just about anybody else, I doubt it would’ve blown up this big.

But Dunham wasn’t the cause.  The cause was CNN writing up three day old news with a headline and teaser that strongly implied something that the article itself was basically silent on.  So, thanks for wasting everybody’s time.

On the bright side, and even though it was unintentional, the sheer reach of this easily debunked rumor might be the most biting satire of the media the show has done in fifteen years.  The links below are by no means an exhaustive list of the major publications, old and new, that apparently consider two clicks to be too much fact checking.

Anyway, I did manage to pick out a few fun regular links from all that nonsense.  This week, we’ve got a donut sensation, a metal band that uses Simpsons quotes in their lyrics, a fan made hat, a great story about “Who Shot Mr. Burns”, and more.

Enjoy.

The making of “Who Shot Mr. Burns?” – Smooth Charlie’s Link of the Week is this great article from the A.V. Club about the show’s famous cliffhanger.

Eye On Springfield with Jono Colliver of Dr. Colossus – Awesome:

There is a fine line a band has to walk when writing songs based on TV shows or movies. Do you full on quote from the source material or do you try to compose your own lyrics? Do you try to make your band funny or keep it serious? Add to that something as serious as heavy metal and it seems like an impossible task. Enter Australian doom metal/rock band, Dr. Colossus. Consisting of Nathan Johnston on drums and Jono Colliver on guitar and vocals, the two piece manages to meld some seriously good doom with lyrics all based off episodes of The Simpsons. Combining original lyrics with classic lines taken straight from the show, the lyrics paint a cryptic picture while also adding a fun feel any time you recognize a quote from the show.

What if The Simpsons Had Only Lasted One Season? – The world would be a dark and terrible place and even newscasts would have laughtracks (via @DailySimpsons).

7 Times Marge Simpson Should Have Divorced Homer – And here we go with the divorce links.  Uproxx at least realized it was a joke, but then went ahead with a very Zombie Simpsons heavy list.

Worst. Idea. Ever. Marge and Homer will ‘legally separate’ on ‘The Simpsons’ – First up on our list of total shame, The USA Today:

In the equivalent of The Brady Bunch adding Cousin Oliver, The Cosby Show adding Olivia or any other aging sitcom adding a new character (usually under six years old) that doesn’t have a Oliv- prefix in order to spice up plot lines and stories that have become stale, The Simpsons will have Homer and Marge “legally separate” in the 479th season premiere of the Fox animated show. Or maybe it’s the 27th season — does it really matter anymore?

Simpsons producer Al Jean described this desperate attempt at relevancy interesting twist to Variety.

While it agrees with us that the show is garbage now, it’s not exactly helping the cause.  The whole thing is very sarcastic, which is not a tone you want to deploy when you’re being this gullible.

The Simpsons: Homer and Marge Split Will Join Other Famous TV Breakups – While we’re in the “Print Publications No One Will Miss” category, Time magazine, everybody:

What’s surprising about The Simpsons returning to this well is that the show hardly needs to; it’s not as though Homer or Marge is going to be written off the show. With few exceptions, the show resets back to where it began at the end of every episode.
But perhaps that makes The Simpsons ideally placed to feature divorce; so few comedies deal with the end of a marriage as something other than a way to expediently get someone out of your life forever that The Simpsons‘s reconciliation plotline will, at least, be novel.

I read this article twice, looking for any sign that they understood that this wasn’t permanent.  Zilch.

After 35 years, Homer and Marge Simpson are breaking up – But let’s not limit ourselves to old media, here’s new media darling Vox going all in on it.

Homer, Marge separated (or not) when new season of ‘The Simpsons’ begins – After using the word “revelation” un-ironically, Canada’s Global News at least had the decency to add that, “Jean took to Twitter to seemingly suggest he was playing the media for fools.”.  Seemingly?  What about this is so hard for people to get?

Marge and Homer Simpson to call it quits (thanks, Lena Dunham) – This one’s a twofer, as it’s Canada’s National Post unthinkingly reprinting a writeup in the Washington Post: 

Yes, Marge will be as blue as her towering hair, because Homer seeks a cure for his narcolepsy, and soon “falls in love” with the woman who can treat what ails him: a pharmacist voiced by Girls actress-writer Lena Dunham.
[…]
Homer and Marge have physically split before — such as when Alaska beckons in The Simpsons Movie — but have never legally separated.

Simpsons bosses set the record straight on Homer and Marge’s ‘separation’ – Metro UK bought it hook, line and sinker, even after the correction.

‘View’s’ Whoopi Goldberg on Homer Simpson Leaving Marge for Lena Dunham: ‘What About a Sister?’ – This is another twofer, with an uncritical writeup from entertainment industry rag The Wrap about the ladies on The View complaining about this.  It’s also evidence for my Dunham Effect theory, when Whoopi Goldberg says it’s Dunham, they put up this graphic and the crowd gives one of those “Ooohs” of disapproval:

I could do twenty more of these, but I think I’ve made my point.  Fuck you, CNN.

The Simpsons Nancy Cartwright Is Working On Her Own Animated Series ♫ theMusic.com.au – Hey, look, actual news that got swamped by panicky idiocy:

In an interview with theMusic.com.au’s Daniel Cribb, Cartwright – who you probably know as the voice of Bart Simpson, Ralph Wiggum, and wealth of other Springfield characters – revealed she has been developing an animated comedy series called Unassisted Living.
“We’re in development and pitching, but it is fully fleshed out and ready to go,” Cartwright revealed.
“It takes place in a retirement facility and everybody thinks they’re dying and somebody comes in to run the place that is only 22 years old and she gets them all working and contributing.

I’d give that a shot.

Sideshow Bob to finally get his boy – Enh.  Even the Halloween episodes are lifeless these days.

Here Are 10 Times ‘The Simpsons’ Predicted the Future – Some of these are a bit of a stretch, but if you’ve got six minutes to kill, you could do worse.

The 5 Worst Sitcom Doctors Of All-Time – Needless to say Dr. Nick makes the list.  There’s also a lot of good YouTube (Simpsons and otherwise).

DIY Painted Sun Hat – Turning a sun hat into a fan made Simpsons masterpiece.  Bravo!

Donutella-uva bomb: the experience – Excellent real life reference:

He couldn’t bloody believe it. Neither did I. I made him re-tell several parts of his story bit by bit. “And this is the milkbar I used to hang out at? Corner Vic Drive and Carrington?” I was still in disbelief.
“Yes.”
He said it was crazy like the ‘Flaming Moe’s’ fad from that popular Simpsons episode. Everyone was going there, everyone wanted one, and it was making the people mad. A little place, turned into a sensation, just because of a simple variation on a regular food item. Nothing extraordinary. Just Nutella on a doughnut.

90s Bart Simpson Radical Dude Don’t Have a Cow Original 1989 White Vintage t-shirt Youth Large – Everything old is new again.

Ralph Wiggum T-Shirt | Ralph Laurel – Heh.

Sounds of the City: Springfield! Springfield! – An appreciation of the music of the city, with some excellent YouTube.

New trending GIF tagged food the simpsons eating… – Well, well, well, finishing something?

New trending GIF tagged dancing the simpsons eating… – At the Copa, Copacabana!

New trending GIF tagged reaction sexy the simpsons… – Oh, what the heck, give me your number.

It’s time to finally end The Simpsons – And finally, I get to end the way I like, with someone who agrees with us:

Dear Al Jean, Matt Groening, Jebus, and anyone else who might be listening:
It’s time for The Simpsons to end.
Year after year, I watch the venerable cultural monolith that helped shape me as a person wither and twist in the wind – and I wish that it hadn’t come to this.
A show that was once defined by unparalleled writing, topical humour and brilliant voice acting has been reduced to a gimmicky, one-note shadow of itself that exists more as a merchandising vessel than as the greatest sitcom of our time.

He then calls the Dunhan thing as an “obvious gimmick”.  Amen, sir.  (Click through for the bitchin’ Blinky tattoo, as well.)

“C’mon, I’m a decent guy!” – Homer Simpson

“Homey, I know you love me.  We don’t need to get married again.” – Marge Simpson
“Yes we do!  I got us a divorce this afternoon!” – Homer Simpson

The internet was still digesting the fact that Homer and Marge are not getting divorced for part of this week as the news slowly filtered down to small town paper blogs and other low traffic sites that aren’t very swift on the uptake.  We do have a couple of links from people taking the story as a starting point to advocate for the show finally being sent to a farm upstate, however, so it’s not all bad.  In addition to that, we’ve got Castellaneta singing, fan art, fan food, several lists, the staff doing something nice, and a new podcast.

Enjoy.

17 ‘Simpsons’ Cultural References Explained for Younger Viewers – Great list (no Zombie Simpsons), and I learned to Lupe Velez was.  (via @DailySimpsons)

▶ Two Lips (Dan Castellaneta) : Dog Who’s Chasing After A Ball – Reader Adam S. writes in:

did you know Dan Castellaneta released a very excellent Beatles – sounding album under the name of ‘Two Lips’ a few years back?

I did not know that.  Sample is above, full album link is here.  Castellaneta is a true renaissance man, and I say that not even knowing how many different types of meat he’s eaten today.  Thanks, Adam!

Is it time for The Simpsons to end? – Yes, it is.  This goes into more detail than that. (Again, via @DailySimpsons)

Top Ten Simpsons Episodes – Part One – An excellent half a list, with no Zombie Simpsons and “Homer the Vigilante”, which I don’t often see on top ten lists.

Five Times ‘The Simpsons’ got to Real for Us – There’s one Zombie Simpsons on here, but the rest are excellent choices, especially “The Way We Was”.

Jurassic World…In 10 Words – Saw this on Wednesday.  It’s better than the other sequels, but nobody’s going to care about it in twenty-two years, either.

WATCH: The Top 10 Treehouse Of Horror Segments – According to two Australian guys.  One item from Zombie Simpsons, but it’s not terrible or anything.  These guys also have some podcasts discussing old episodes.

Faberge Egg Salad – Some real recipes from the show, courtesy of our new friends at Xtapolapometal.

Photo Gallery Of The Simpsons Characters Re-Voiced Sans Harry Shearer – Don Draper would be an excellent Reverend Lovejoy.

10 business lessons from The Simpsons – Reader Robert sends in this YouTube heavy list of business tips he wrote.  I particularly like #2, “Don’t break the law”.  Heh.  Thanks, Robert!

I’m not commodity – A real life recounting of the “Lawyer Bird” test.

You Can Now Play Video Games Featured On ‘The Simpsons – I downloaded but have not actually tried these yet.

10 times Marge and Homer Simpson weren’t exactly winning any parenting awards – A little bit of Zombie Simpsons here, but there’s some good YouTube and a .gif of Homer running gleefully around the overturned beer truck.

Round 1, Battle 26 – (S.1 Ep 3) Homer’s Odyssey vs. (S.6 Ep. 20) Two Dozen and One Greyhounds – Season 1 is probably doomed here, but both of those are great.

Fish weirs, Doctor Who and Fort Knox – things you didn’t know about Magna Carta – But I did know this one!:

4 – Lisa Simpson sang a song about Magna Carta in episode 187 of The Simpsons cartoon series.

US Outlook: Set banks free to stop another crisis? A successful man can be stupid too – Moderate usage:

There is an old episode of The Simpsons in which Homer is falsely accused of sexual harassment after reaching for a gummy bear that is stuck to a lady’s backside. At the end of the episode, Marge asks Homer what he has learnt from his experience. Homer replies: “Marge, I haven’t learnt a thing.”

Homer actually says, “Marge, my friend, I haven’t learned a thing”, but that’s pretty close.

Car dealer and Rotary team to distribute Little Free Libraries – This was nice:

On Monday, the Little Free Library headquarters in the town of Hudson received a Little Library designed and painted by the artists of “The Simpsons” television show.

“It’s got all the Simpsons characters on it — Bart and Lisa — and is signed by Matt Groening,” Bol reported.

“He’s a friend of ours,” Bol said of Groening, the creator of “The Simpsons.”

The show’s artists made the library for Bol to use to raise money for the Little Free Library organization.

Homer Simpson on Temperament – Heh.

10 | Texts From A Stoner – Heh again.

Geek Art for the masses – The Van Gough Willie painting is on here, along with some other very good ones.

The Simpsons House – Not sure who the original artist is here, but this is pretty good.

New trending GIF tagged the simpsons homer simpson… – Precious Venus…

TV Pick of the Day – You could do a lot worse than “Lisa the Iconoclast”.

The Simpsons – “Kill the Alligator and Run” – Like this one, which the author has the good sense to pick apart.

The Anti-Love Story of Homer and Marge – And finally, I get to end the way I like, with someone who agrees with us, in this case in a long essay about the hopelessness of the ever continuing Zombie Simpsons.

“I really feel awful about your lawn, Marge.  George can be so stubborn when he thinks he’s right.” – Barbara Bush
“Well, Homer too.  They’re so much alike.” – Marge Simpson
“Too bad they got off on the wrong foot.  It’s just like the Noriega thing, now he and George are the best of friends.” – Barbara Bush

Happy birthday Tress MacNeille!

“Just take mine.  A simple cupcake will bring me no pleasure.” – Lisa Simpson

This week we’ve got two links hearkening back to Season 1’s melancholy masterpiece “Moaning Lisa”, and two different fond remembrances of the first time someone ever watched the show.  Season 1 often gets overlooked for the very understandable reasons that it both looks and sounds quite different than it would even in Season 2, but those episodes still resonate with people, and that’s astonishing.  In addition to that, we’ve got a great Spider-Man put down, new old bootleg Bart, some .gifs, and a horrifying soccer mascot.

Enjoy.

Tom Holland is Spider-Man’s New “Hat” At A Time When I Wanted a Lisa Lionheart – Excellent usage:

The makers of Malibu Stacy, the Simpsons stand-in for Barbie, respond with an all-night brainstorming session where it is decided to release a Malibu Stacy which is exactly the same but has a new hat.

A River of Melted Hot Butter – This is a transcript of a diary from when the author was a kid, and this is great:

After dinner we went to ACE and got some candy.  I got some gum.  It was so good.  I’m chewing the gum right now.  I am also watching The Simpsons.  It is my favorite episode.  At 7:00, Jamie is coming to spend the night.  Anyway, it’s almost seven and she’s going to miss The Simpsons.  That’s okay, she saw it when she came over today.

But what episode is it??

Three Men And A Comic Book – This is true:

-Wow, they got away with Homer saying “T.S.” on prime-time television, in the early 90s. Sure, it was just an acronym, but it was still pretty bold for the time.

Also, too, I was about the only kid I knew who hated The Wonder Years, so I’ve always loved when Homer keeps interrupting Bart’s narrative staring.

Sex and The Simpsons – And none of the examples are from Zombie Simpsons, hooray.  Also, there’s a .gif of Homer in the Mr. Plow jacket.

The Shearer Situation: An Overview – Our old friend Noah takes a look at the why of Shearer’s departure:

So, why would he leave then? Well, these seem to be the three prevailing theories:

Be Street – Bootleg Bart Creative Contest – Modern takes on classic Bart.  Notorious B.A.R.T. is great.

Hank Azaria on Harry Shearer’s Simpsons Dispute – No real news here, but at least Azaria’s got a sense of humor about it:

Azaria, who conceded, “If he really doesn’t come back, the show has to continue in some way at least for a while … Maybe we’ll do a YouTube thing, like how they found that Asian guy that sings for Journey.”

LISTEN: The Simpsons ‘Moaning Lisa’ Review – Just what it says.  I love that episode.

Caitlyn Jenner is given The Simpsons treatment with her Vanity Fair cover – That same Italian artists strikes again.

Is Pixar’s Inside Out Just a Herman’s Head Rip-Off? – Excellent usage:

Oh, really, Pixar, you’re going inside the mind of an 11-year-old girl to visit the personifications of her primary emotions – Joy (Amy Poehler), Sadness (Phyllis Smith), Fear (Bill Hader), Disgust (Mindy Kaling) and Anger (Lewis Black), all of whom congregate in “headquarters.”  In the immortal words of George Harrison watching the Bee Sharps perform on top of Moe’s Bar on The Simpsons, “It’s been done.”

Incidentally, Inside Out was fantastic.

Pixar’s Inside Out: Riley is a feminist hero. – Double excellent usage:

They’re clearly well-meaning, but they’re guilt-tripping their kid. (The scenario echoes a 1990 Simpsons episode in which sweet Marge Simpson implores a down-in-the-dumps Lisa to “take all your bad feelings and push them down, all the way down past your knees, until you’re almost walking on them.”)

And:

The only thing to do is forgive yourself and try to do better next time. (Marge Simpson came around, too; she apologizes to Lisa and says, “Always be yourself. If you want to be sad, honey, be sad. We’ll ride it out with you.”)

Perfectly quoted and apt (and have I mentioned Inside Out is really good?).

Eye On Springfield: Ross Mckendrick – Fantastic:

What is your history with the Simpsons? Do you remember the first time you saw the show?
I was born in 1988, so The Simpsons has been around pretty much my whole life. I was aware of it from a very young age but my family never had satellite TV, which was the only way you could see episodes in the UK at that time. The first time I ever saw the show itself must’ve been Hallowe’en 1994, because it was the Treehouse Of Horror episode with ‘The Shinning’ in it.
I only managed to catch it because my mum had taken me out guising (which is what we call trick-or-treating in Scotland), and as we reached the house about 2 doors down from ours the episode was just starting. I invited myself into this family’s house, plonked myself in front of their TV and pretty much refused to leave for most of the episode.
I was totally enthralled by it, I didn’t even bother doing my ‘trick’, which was my pretty killer Jim Carrey impression (I had dressed as The Mask; green face, zoot suit and everything). I thought the fact they had a Scottish character was awesome, and even more awesome was the fact it was a cartoon, but it had axe murders in it. I seriously thought the whole show was like that; a twisted cartoon take on movies I wasn’t allowed to watch yet.
It was love at first sight.
 

Al Jean has 90 hours (and counting) of Simpsons commentaries under his belt – Not a great deal of big information in this Jean interview, but this is kinda funny:

AVC: Have you found that people know your voice from the commentaries now?

AJ: Yes, in a very spooky fashion. I was at an airport restaurant in Arizona, and I hadn’t given my credit card, and the guy goes, “Oh, you’re Al Jean from The Simpsons!” That is a bizarre feeling.

Homer and Marge address the ‘split’ rumours – The show put out a ninety second video to keep attention on them for CNN’s fuckup.  You will be unsurprised to learn that it contains a lot of exposition and Homer gets badly hurt and yells.

Partick Thistle’s new half sun/half Lisa Simpson mascot is absolutely terrifying – That is serious nightmare fuel.

Top Five TV Sofas and Chairs – Even British furniture companies know that the Simpsons couch is iconic.

Fashion Spotlight: Fighting Scottish, Doof Warrior vs The Mad, and Fight Like A Princess – Groundskeeper Willie as athletic mascot.

agoodcartoon: fumbling but well-meaning, the… – Reader Ethan P sends in this Tennessee political cartoon featuring, Burns, Homer, and a mouthwatering donut.  Thanks, Ethan!

New trending GIF tagged reaction the simpsons simpsons… – It’s TS for Ralph.

New trending GIF tagged reaction the simpsons laughing… – Burns laughing maniacally.

New trending GIF tagged the simpsons simpsons via… – Barney turning into Minday and back again.  Think unsexy thoughts, think unsexy thoughts.

Eye On Springfield: Kathy Bejma Of Metalcakes/Faberge Egg Salad – And finally, I get to end the way I like, with someone who agrees with us.  This is an interview with the blog author who did the recipes I linked last week, and in addition to having some great Simpsons patches and buttons (which you can see at the link), there’s this:

Do you still watch the show? If not, do you remember what made you stop watching?
I don’t watch the show anymore. I’m a fan of seasons 1-10. There are 2 or 3 episodes I like in season 11, but that’s it.
I stopped watching when the jokes weren’t clever anymore. More times than not, I was laughing because I was uncomfortable, not because it was actually funny.

Amen, sister.

“This is gonna be the best birthday breakfast Mom ever had.” – Lisa Simpson
“Hey, Lis, you think that’s enough for her?” – Bart Simpson
“Maybe one more.” – Lisa Simpson

Since the Fourth falls on a Saturday this year, making tomorrow a de facto holiday, here’s Reading Digest a day early.  The holiday mean that it’s shorter than usual, but we’ve got several excellent pieces of fan art, an unofficial Lego house, and pancakes, pancakes, pancakes!

Enjoy.

The Big Lebowski vs. The Pin Pals: Who Wins a Fictional Bowling Game? – He had to exclude Otto and Burns to make the teams even, but the analysis here is pretty good:

Like his personality Sobchak blows hot and cold so you never know what you’re going to get. If Cynthia’s dog is taken care of and his laundry is clean, he could put up a 250. If the slightest little iota is out of order, he might not break 100.

Rick and Morty Season 2 Premiere Trailer: Mr. Meseeks and Intergalactic Customs Return, Comic-Con Footage Comes to Life: Heh:

A Rick and Morty Season 2 promo trailer is here. Apparently this first look trailer for Rick and Morty Season 2 aired during The Simpsons Season 26 finale but Rick and Morty fans are only just noticing its existence. Does anyone still watch The Simpsons?

Not really, no.  In other news, I am looking forward to more Rick and Morty.

The Future of TSTO game – Pt. 1 – The main Tapped Out site is expanding to cover other topics.  Having been off Tapped Out for a year and a half now, I find this amusing:

Step-by-step instructions on how to proceed in an event. While we know this information is helpful to our readers, it is one of the least enjoyable topics to write about. As events become more complicated and cumbersome, this process become more of a chore.

Nothing says “fun” like “complicated and cumbersome”.

I Got In Touch With People Who Abused Me Online To Ask Why – A BuzzFeed writer wrote about never having watched the show, and, being female, got death and rape threats.  One dude finds a bit of absolution for it.

7 Reasons to Visit San Francisco – Scroll to #6 for some excellent Simpsons art.

LISTEN: The Simpsons – ‘The Call Of The Simpsons’ Review – You ever know a siren to be good?

Danny Elfman on Film Scores, ‘Simpsons’ and Working With Tim Burton – Every time there’s an interview with Elfman, he tells the story basically the same way:

I told Matt Groening, “If you want something contemporary – television contemporary – I’m not the guy.” ‘Cause I didn’t understand TV themes in the Eighties at all. “If you want something really retro, I’m the guy.” ‘Cause it felt like a Hanna-Barbera cartoon that never was, and there was something reminiscent of The Flintstones: going through the city, even though Fred Flintstone was running and Homer’s driving the car. And he said, “Yeah, that’s what I’m looking for.” I wrote it in my head in the car on the way back. By the time I got home from the meeting it was all done. I ran downstairs, recorded a demo, sent it out, got a call back, Matt says, “Yeah, great.” It was the easiest thing I’ve ever done.

DOH-ceptively spacious – Fan made mini-version of the Simpsons Lego house.  Well done.

HOMIE – Fan made drawing of Homer with an alien piercing his skull.  Neat.

We Got Presidential Hopeful Ted Cruz To Do An Audition For “The Simpsons” – As I said on Twitter, he butchers the “magical animal” setup, but overall he isn’t terrible.  The .gifs, especially Twirling for Freedom, will come in very handy if he wins the nomination.

Max (movie)…In 10 Words – We’ll get you a new dog, one with an untwistable psyche!

Ted 2…In 10 Words – Hug, him, squeeze him, tug at his fur.

▶ Pancake Art – Homer Simpson (Simpsons) Easy – This doesn’t look all that easy to me, but I can’t draw for squat:

There are also videos for Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie.  Bravo.

“Mom!  I found Sideshow Bob’s hideout and I got a secret message to the police and I had a blimp fall on me and I was in an atomic blast but I’m okay now!” – Lisa Simpson
“Well, I wrecked the gate but you don’t hear me bragging.” – Homer Simpson

Happy birthday Yeardley Smith!

“In that family, nobody trusted nobody.  They even brought their lawyers to Thanksgiving dinner.” – Abe “Grampa” Simpson

Harry Shearer has decided to keep doing voices for Zombie Simpsons:

Harry Shearer returning to The Simpsons

You don’t really need to click that link, it’s mostly nothing and even repeats the dubiously sourced $300,000 per episode number, but it’s been confirmed by a couple of other outlets.  The article also says that Shearer signed the same contract as the other five cast members, which (if true) means that money really wasn’t the issue and Shearer really did think the show was preventing him from doing other projects.  Jean took to Twitter to explain:

I would like to clear up a misunderstanding. I have recently been told that during a period where Harry Shearer believed he had a five week free period from the Simpsons, I was unaware of this fact, and did in fact request material from him. If so, my bad. I am truly glad he is returning to the show.

This is the public explanation for Shearer’s abrupt “I’m leaving” announcement in May, that Jean had asked Shearer to work during a time Shearer thought he was on break, so he balked at signing an extension.  If it seems a little bizarre that it took them eight weeks to sort out something as simple as that, well, that’s because it is bizarre.

Maybe relations between Shearer and the show are strained to the point that it really did take them this long to clear up something that can be described in two and a half Tweets (Shearer’s original announcement quoted a letter from a lawyer, so they may indeed be at the “acrimonious divorce” stage of communication).  Maybe there was a negotiation, and while Shearer may be getting the same money he also now has a better deal in terms of hours and flexibility.  Maybe Jean’s telling the truth, and it really was just an honest mistake.

Whether Jean is spinning for his bosses or accurately describing this whole big saga doesn’t really matter, however.  Shearer will continue to phone in his voices, and Zombie Simpsons will continue its mediocre ways.

“It’s that horrible Mr. Burns, isn’t it?” – Not Eunice
“You leave Mr. Burns out of this!” – Streetcar Smithers
“Smithers!  Smithers!” – Streetcar Burns

Apologies, but there won’t be a Reading Digest today, once again on account of my stupid real job.  However, please enjoy this .gifs that I don’t think I put on the site:

“Here you go, Red Tick Beer.” – Moe
“Hmm, bold, refreshing, and something I can’t quite put my finger on.” – Homer Simpson
“Needs more dog.” – Red Tick Brewmaster

This week FOX announced that Chile would be getting a real life Duff variant, apparently prompted by unlicensed (and, one assumes highly popular) versions that were already on sale.  This is amusing in a “merchandising rules everything around me, get the money, dolla dolla bill ya’ll” kind of way, but it seems awfully contradictory.  Duff is supposed to be crappy beer that only a swine would drink, but presumably if they’re spending the money to actually make it, they won’t just turn it into the disgusting Budweiser/Miller clone it was meant to be.  So it’s going to be beer that’s good to drink but inauthentic to the show, or it’ll be crappy beer that’s hard to drink but true to the source material.  Either way we can complain, so I guess it’s win-win.

In addition to that, we’ve got yet more high fashion Simpsons clothing, more love for Lisa, a couple of people who agree with us, street art/advertising, and the video realization of that long simmering Bartkira project.

Enjoy.

The Principal and the Pauper: Worst Episode Ever – Smooth Charlie’s Link of the Week is this thoughtful dive into the most infamous episode in the show’s history.  This has always been one of the more grating aspects of that episode:

Beyond the ret-con of Skinner’s experience in Vietnam, it just doesn’t fit with the man we’ve seen in the show to that point. Skinner, in the Principal and the Pauper, is a chancer. Deep down, despite his bursts of cynicism (”come on Edna, we both know these children have no future!”) there’s the sense he cares for the kids, for the school and for his job. As shown in the Sweet Seymour Skinner’s Badaaasss Song, or even at the end of the The Boy Who Knew Too Much, he’s essentially a boring, sweet man. Yes, he may arbitrary, and is slowly being crushed by the system, and specifically Supernintendo Chalmers, but there is a goodness, and, dare I say it, an authenticity to the character.

Mmm … Real Duff Beer From The Simpsons – A licensed version of Duff is coming to Chile.  This will apparently be different than the Duff they’re selling at the theme parks since they’re consulting with a “brewmaster”.  If legal Duff spreads, will each country get its own brew?  That would actually be pretty cool.

Simpsons street art in Texas – They even got the spelling right.  Bravo, Houston not quite comedy club.

Bartkira the Animated Trailer – This was making the rounds last week and is really well done.  I have no idea how serious they are about actually doing the whole thing, but I’d sure watch it.

El Barto – And speaking of Bartkira, here’s some storyboard sketches.

6 exceptional artwork inspired by A Clockwork Orange – A couple of drawings of Bart, Milhouse, Nelson and Ralph as the gang.

Blood Feud | You Don’t Win Friends With Simpsons – This always gets me:

–Bart: How did the lion get rich?

Homer: It was the olden days.

Mounties, baseball and The Simpsons find way into new book, Strange Saskatchewan – Apparently Matt Groening’s father was Canadian:

For other examples of the curious or fascinating, take the story about the stagecoach robber whose conscience got the better of him, causing him to return his victims’ money and split a bottle of whisky with them. Or the legend that, in 1915, the wheat crop was so dense that farmers could walk across it. Or the fact Matt Groening’s father — on whom Homer Simpson is loosely based — is from Saskatchewan.

Billy and the cloneasaurus – Nice Cloneasaurus graphic.

The Simpsons: Everything you need to know from Comic-Con in our live blog – Lots of Zombie Simpsons news, if that’s your thing.

SDCC 2015: ‘The Simpsons’ Panel And Q & A – Video of same, if that’s your thing.

Yo Man! – Ye olde Simpsons button.

Alf Clausen: 40 Years of Music From “The Carol Burnett Show” to “The Simpsons” – A series of interviews with Clausen (via @simpsonology).

Eye On Springfield with Jason Cantu of Slaves BC – Best Flanders shirt ever.

Smartline – Some excellent Simpsons/album cover t-shirts.

‘The Simpsons': 8 Fascinating Facts About ‘Marge Vs. The Monorail’ – Just what it says.  Nothing really new, but there’s a .gif of Wiggum watching the train go.

10 Lisa-Centric ‘Simpsons’ Episodes – Just that, happily there’s no Zombie Simpsons.

Threads | The Simpsons X Neff Collection – More fashionable Simpsons clothing.  This stuff must really sell.

Adorable ’90s Pop Culture-Inspired Lip Art – The first one is Homer, and it’s pretty neat.  The second one is the Cheshire Cat from the 1951 version of Alice in Wonderland, so I’m not sure how that qualifies as “’90s”.

There was a Family Guy/The Simpsons crossover and everyone thought it was a bit weird – The U.K. seemed to have as generally low an opinion of the crossover as the U.S. did.

Why Lisa Simpson Is An Awesome Feminist – Starting with Lisa, dressed as a Movementarian, shouting about the whole system being out of order was an excellent choice.

Daily Drawing 175 – Wonderfully creepy fan sketch of evil looking Marge, Krusty and Bart.

Rhymes of History Technology – A look at fictional picture phones, including the rotary version in “Lisa’s Wedding”.

We Talked to Cypress Hill’s Sen Dog About Ending the Simpsons and Getting Hella High with Snoop Dogg – This would almost certainly be better than whatever fizzle they eventually produce:

If you had to end the show, how would you do it? 
End? That’s unthinkable. I’d never make the Simpsons end. If I had to, though, the last scene would be Homer and Marge… getting stoned with Cypress Hill.

Running Away From Home: Central Park (NYC) – Being famous sucks:

Running in Central Park is so awesome even famous people do it! On our way back toward Columbus Circle, my wife and I saw actor Hank Azaria as he jogged through the park. He and I sort of made eye contact, in all likelihood because he noticed me looking at him as I was trying to figure out, “Is that Hank Azaria?”

My 5 Favourite Lisa Simpsons Episodes – An excellent list with nothing from Zombie Simpsons.

Is it Time Yet?? – A .gif of Homer’s stomach rumble from “Homerpalooza”.

The best of Groundskeeper Willie – Willie hears ya, Willie don’t care.

Cruelty towards hogs raise questions about pork – Excellent YouTube usage:

Lisa Simpson, arguably television’s foremost vegetarian, once tried to explain to her father that bacon, ham, pork chops all come from the same animal. “Oh right, Lisa, a wonderful, magical animal,” Homer retorts.

TV Pick of the Day – “Homer the Great” remains great.

Fashion Spotlight: All characters must die!, Gotta Train Em All!, and Dragon Peanuts – Arya Stark as Bart writing her names on a chalkboard.

The Simpsons Season 26 – And finally, I get to end with someone who agrees with us:

Weakest season of all. I can count the funny bits on one hand. Cought myself saying ‘really?’ almost every week.

Luckily, some weeks they don’t have new ones.

“That screwball Marge Simpson, we’ve gotta stop her!  But how?” – Roger Meyers Jr.
“Drop and anvil on her?” – Cartoon Writer #1
“Hit her on the hear with a piano?” – Cartoon Exec #1
“Stuff her full of TNT then throw a match down her throat and run?” – Cartoon Exec #2
“All your fancy degrees and that’s the best you can do?  You make me sick!” – Roger Meyers Jr.

Alex Rocco, the voice of Roger Meyers Jr. and the iconic “bullet through the eyeglasses guy” in The Godfather, died yesterday.  Our friends over at Flim Springfield have an excellent write-up of his career:

RIP Alex Rocco, 1936-2015. Voice of Roger Meyers Jr.

If you’re feeling it, his three turns were in Season 2’s “Itchy and Scratchy and Marge”, Season 7’s “The Day the Violence Died”, and Season 8’s “Itchy and Scratchy and Poochie”.  So long, Alex, nobody ever had a voice quite like yours.